Raising a strong willed child.

All children have the ability to press our most tender buttons as parents. Though some children have a more decisive attitude on how and when to press those buttons. Some children seem focused on nothing but causing unrest, unsettled feelings within the house or amongst family and peers. What keeps the strong-willed child going is the power they acquire from the negative responses of those involved.There are ways to cope, encourage and move around this that will benefit not just the child but the entire family.

The first and hardest lesson to learn is patience. A Strong-Willed Child loves to agitate and antagonize, creating a heated debate, an angry home or any other unpleasant social environment. This is their goal, and usually, they succeed. What patience means, is to hold back angry outbursts, use an understanding, calm approach to the situation.

For instance:

Daughter is yelling at her younger brother about a toy she wants: “Give me that! I want it. It’s mine. I didn’t say you could have it. You are such a brat!”

Brother: “Fine, have it!” and he gives her the toy, even if a little hot tempered himself.

Positive praise: “Son, it was very nice of you to give her the toy. Apparently she was really upset about not having it. What a wonderful, brotherly thing to do.”

Now, this situation does two things. The first is that it makes the brother feel proud of himself for ending the bickering. By taking notice of HIS actions, he feels that he did not really lose anything, he gained positive interaction with the parent. The second thing is that the daughter who was yelling more than likely to get mom involved, yelling herself, did not succeed in this. All the effort she put into the battle failed when nothing was said to her. She was not addressed. Not even for the needless yelling, that is negative attention and it gives her power! The situation ended.

Another instance, which focuses on the child singularly, goes something like this. Daughter is having a bad day and wants to bring everyone down with her. She is instigating fights, pushing, hitting, and picking on her siblings. She is yelling at her parents, sarcastic, and VERY angry.

What the child is looking for is that negative reinforcement. Some one to stop what they are doing and engage in the problem. Instead of yelling, arguing,or in any other way reinforcing the behavior of hitting etc, watch and wait for the perfect opportunity to give Positive Praise or attention. It may come sooner than thought. Once the child realizeds that the tantrums is not giving him/her power, he/she will switch to something else.

It may be something as simple as getting a toy for a younger sibling. When you catch this act of positive interaction Praise IT!! Make a comment like: “Daughter, thank you very much for helping your brother. That was a kind and mature thing to do.” This simple statement stalls her for a moment. The child realizes that for an hour they did not get any kind of attention at all, then with one kind deed, she got mom's/dad's attention and it felt good! How they feel inside matters the most to them and when they are feeling “bad” they are going to let the whole world know and feel it too! It is a tough job, but these things can work when applied on a regular basis. That is important. If the system works, then it disappears and the old system of yelling returns, then all the achievement is lost. And it goes quickly, too.

Positive Reinforcement, Positive Praise, Positive Attention. Call it what you will. But one thing for sure, it makes a positive difference in the home. Not only does it help the one child who is bound to try more patience than the average one, but it helps the other children in the environment also. What you apply to one child habitually tends to follow the chain and applies to the next and so on. It won’t make miracles, but it offers at least somewhat of a solution to the hassles of raising that Strong-Willed Child.